Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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