I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
