I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
