i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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