im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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