i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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