Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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