My first STD was from a foam party
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the condom got lost in my hair
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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