Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The power of my boobs compel you
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
