Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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