Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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