I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
