apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Houston, we have a blender
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
