I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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