what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
