Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
pray to the hookup gods
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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