meet me or not, i'm out of control
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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