I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize