I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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