Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Don't make out with my wife yet
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
