I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
