Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
