i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
