so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you will always have a special place in my vag
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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