I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just want to make out with him forever
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
