Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
