I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
