my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
