i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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