the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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