Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
