Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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