if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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