i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
