Im at strip club and am horny
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
