Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
