We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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