Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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