he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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