My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
