I wish I only lived at night.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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