Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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