just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
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I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
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I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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