This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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