I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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