So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
