just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
