It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
