I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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