i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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