I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
