im drinking this country out of the recession.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
