Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
