I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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