I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
