If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
