My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He? As in you personified your dick?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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