I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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