My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
