someone threw a dead crab at me
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
