Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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